The forumers have all taken their seats in the giant auditorum, all talking quietly as they wait for the ceremony to begin. They are all dressed in their finest attire, aside from the few who are still trapped in 1999 and cannot make an appearance without psi blades and battle armor. The low roar hushes as the sound system clicks on, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please! Welcome to the 2005 Antioch Forum Awards Ceremony! Without any further ado, here are your hosts for the evening — Luke "Lucainan" Giordano and Lindsay Lohan!"

Out from opposite sides of the stage, our two hosts, the Bogart-esque Lucainan maintaining his swagger even dressed in formalwear and the melon-chested Lohan wearing a dress just slutty enough to cross the public embarrassment line. Lucainan speaks up first, "Wow, it's great to be here, isn't it, Lindsay?"

"It sure is, Luke!" Lohan giggled, "It's an honor to be given the opportunity to host these prestigious awards."

"I couldn't have said it better myself. Now go sit in the car or I'll give you a beating," laughed Lucainan manically, slapping his co-host on the ass and shooing her off the stage. The audience gives polite applause in approval. Except for Mason, who is busy telling everyone around him what great friends he is with Lohan.

"Alright," Lucainan cleared his throat, "Before we get started, I'd like to inform you that this year, the winner of each award will actually be receiving a prize — something befitting of the award you have won. But enough of my yackin'. Let's boogey."

"The first category is Favorite Forum Newbie, because what better way to start off the ceremony than an oxymoron. And the nominees are..."

"And the award goes to ... taekwondogirl with an impressive 23 votes! Amorak came in second with 3, with penguinwarfare and Odium tying with one. "

"As a prize for winning, you get to stay and keep posting at our humble forum! You other three can get the fuck out. Security will escort you out of the building."

taekwondogirl recieves her statuette gracefully and walks gracefully off stage, Lucainan checking out her backside, nodding in approval, "Okay then. On to the next category, which is Forumer With the Coolest Portrait. The four highest vote-getters / nominees are..."

"And the forumer with the coolest portrait is ... typhoon with a narrow victory of 5 votes over Phalanx and Cannibal Jim with 4 and Magnum with 3. Receiving two votes are Stoker, Phigment, Flyspeck, and me. Getting one are UnknownHost, Romulus, taekwondogirl, skye, and Palin."

"As the winner, typhoon gets my brother's old Frank Sinatra Greatest Hits CD," Lucainan hands the disappointed winner his disc without any protective casing.

"I already have this."

"Fuck you." Lucainan faces front and smiles, "And now for the other side of the coin, the Forumer With Lamest Portrait. The two who recieved the most votes are..."

"And the dubious honor goes to ... Xeronos who recieved twelve votes. FalconWarrior got six, Clodpool, mAc Chaos, Lonemage, and Cannibal Jim got two. Mason Wheeler, Dark_T_Zeratul, Zerganus Blood, and Kate each got one."

"Okay, come on, Xerenos. Come and get your prize," but Xerenos was nowhere to be found. "What, did he not show up today?" The auditorium falls silent as they notice a small, malnourished creature crawling rather pathetically up the side of the stage. It is some sort of man-cat, adorned with bandaleers and psi blades. "

It struggles to make a noise, "This is what I look like ... please kill me."

"Heh heh, no cause for alarm, folks. We'll get someone to beat the life out of him backstage. On to our next category and man is it a good one. It's the Forumer with the Coolest Custom Title. Let's take a look at the top three nominees. "

"Oh man, Erasculio, the organ grinder slips by the competition narrowly with four votes. MG and mAc Chaos each got three. Razzy, Flyspeck, Maggie Sedai, Visser, and myself each got two, while Dark_T_Zeratul, Cannibal Jim, Stoker, Draxter, Zeus Legion, Romulus, Plain Girl, Palin, Stoker and Lucid Iguana each got one vote."

"Since I could not think of anything funny to go with this category, Erasculio, you get a fruit basket. Oh, but it's the rare tropical penis fruit, so I guess I did think of something. Let's give him a round of applause!"

Erasculio walks disappointedly down the steps with his penis basket, which he hands to Plain Girl, who looks more than pleased. Lucainan speaks up, "Time to go negative again with the Forumer With Lamest Custom Title. The three who recieved the most votes are..."

"Looks like the devil was on the side of FalconWarrior today with his twenty votes. Kate and Xerenos each got two. And each receiving one are Cannibal Jim, Magnum, Razzy, Mason Wheeler, taekwondogirl, and Shade."

"FalconWarrior has won the much superior custom title 'Diarrhea Face' and can never remove it. Wow, how about some categories that actually count for something. Like Most Creative Forumer! This category also had three frontrunners, they are..."

"The award goes to our own nutty Zeus Legion, who received seven votes! Admiral Styles and Dark_T_Zeratul are going to have to throw in some boobs for next year if they hope to win, they each got four. Phizzy and typhoon each got three, so they need some hardcore sex in their work. Mason Wheeler, Plain Girl, Palin, and Magnum are only creative enough for two votes, so they need some money shots. Avatar, mAc Chaos, Razzy, and Phalanx are not creative at all and even the most disgusting and wretched pornography could not save them."

"Zeus, while I'm on the subject. Your prize is last month's issue of Barely Legal," Lucainan lowers his voice, "slightly used."

"I already have this," Zeus rejects it, it seems but, "Hey. Wait a second. This is mine."

"Hah hah, that's wacky. Moving on desperately, we go to one of our closest races, Biggest Hipster Artfag. The two front runners are... "

"Aaand the faggiest fag of them all is ... Razzy once again with sixteen votes! Lucid almost got him this year with a whopping thirteen votes. Codebreaker and typhoon aren't too gay, each getting one vote."

"Razzy, you get a $20 gift card to the Olive Garden! Olive Garden — when you're here, you're family!" Though his soul obviously escaped from our host as he recited that, it flashed back to him rather quickly, "Our next category could be seen as negative were we at another forum. Of course, I'm talking about Biggest Forum Asshole. The four top vote getters are..."

"And out of these guys, the Biggest Asshole is ... Palin with ten votes! Flyspeck came in second, getting five, Cannibal Jim is in third with five, Mason got two, and Kojiro, Visser, afielia, Maggie, Magnum, mAc Chaos, and Auric_Skryreaver all got one."

"For you, Palin, we have some items a true asshole should never be without. Aviator sunglasses, a teal polyester leisure suit, and some Hentai DVDs. Looks like this stuff is right up your alley, huh buddy?" Palin stares at Lucainan in silence.

"Because ... you know ... you like that cartoon porno ... from Japan ... dontcha?"

Silence.

"You ... like get off on it and stuff ... like tenticle rape and stuff."

Silence.

Palin takes the DVDs and departs from the stage with them. Moments later, he comes back for the leisure suit. "Our next category is well, just plain wacky. Weirdest Forumer is it, because why not reward random and immature outbursts for attention? The top four nominees are..."

"And the award goes to ... Endarire with thirteen votes! Clodpool comes in second with five, Phizzy with four, Sectoid with two, and Erasculio, skye, Mason Wheeler, Avatar, Lambda Corps, and e-mouse all came in LAST PLACE with one."

"Endarire recieves a fleshlight, because that's a weird prize to get, don't you agree?"

"I cast +12 Shadow Damage on you. Banished to the aetherial realm are ye!" Endarire wields a large staff and opens a rather large portal right in the middle of the stage. Lucainan walks over casually and pushes Endarire through it, "Damn you! Hoisted by my own petaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.....!"

"Ah. Now. Next category. Wittiest Forumer. Let's not waste any time with this one. The top three are..."

"Okay, okay. Enough. Okay. Get ready. You voted the wittiest forumer as ... drumroll..."

Silence.

"...Okay. I'll stop dicking around. The winner is..."

"ty-phoooon? Fuck. FUCK. Motherfucker typhoon recieved twelve votes. I recieved nine. Magnum got two. Razzy, skye, Maggie, Ford, Lambda, and Mike Lemmer all got one. Now get the hell off my stage. Moving on. Next category. Hey! Look at that! Funniest Forumer! Who be the top three this time?"

"Okay. Please please please please please please please please please. The winner is ... fuck. Lambda Corps with twelve votes. Hey, I get nine again. Flyspeck got four. Romulus, typhoon, Clodpool, mAc Chaos, and Bob Dole all got one vote."

"Lambda, you get an Andrew Dice Clay stand-up comedy cassette for being sooooooo funny. Now get the hell out. For the rest of you. Especially the ones that voted for me in these two past categories. Now it seems that if you could have come to a consensus if I was funny or witty WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SITUATION NOW WOULD WE?!"

"Assholes..." he mutters as he regains his composure, "Ah, here we go. A category that I didn't recieve any votes in and for good reason, Most Reasonable Forumer. We have five frontrunners this round, they are..."

"And the award goes to Avatar with six votes. Kate, Phoenix, and typhoon came in second place with three each, Codebreaker got two, and Flyspeck, Mason, Phigment, Razzy, Blitz Zero, Razzy, Cannibal Jim, Phalanx, Magnum, Korge, Styles, FordP, and Maggie all got one."

"Just wait up here, Av. Here's a lead pipe. You'll get the rest of your prize in a second. Our next category is Biggest Forum Dumbass. There's really only one front runner, but I can stretch it to two. They are..."

"And in an upset, Mason Wheeler takes the category with an astounding fifteen votes his way! mAc got three, Kojiro, FalconWarrior, and Palin got two, and PG, mugakunta1, Flyspeck, and Cannibal Jim all got one."

"For your prize Mason, you get to be beaten by Avatar with a lead pipe!"

"That doesn't seem like much of a prize to — OOOMPF" the haunting hollow ring of the pipe smashing bones echoes through the auditorium.

"Ahhhhh hah hah, now that's good comedy," Lucainan pauses at the cracking of skull and forces a smile, "Best Debater is up next. We got four in the lead for this one."

"And typhoon is once again victorious with seven votes. Mack came in second with three. Mason in third with five. Phigment with four. Maggie got three, and Xk-Thuun, Razzy, FordP, Flyspeck, and Codebreaker all got one."

"For being our best debater, you get to constantly hone your skills against TV's Bill O'Reilly who will follow you around wherever you go and disagree with everything you say! Also, he might try to have sex with you. "

"Next up is Best Writer. We got three this time, they would be..."

"For his second award of the night, Zeus Legion wins with eleven votes. Styles got six, Qjuad three, Lambda, skye, typhoon, and myself scored two, and Zeratul, Mack, and Mason all got one."

"Zeus, you get a copy of the first issue of the Freedom Force comic book, signed by its author Eric Dieter! Watch out, this could be a collector's item!"

"I gave this to you, you asshole."

"It's only been read once! No wait. Twice. Actually, I can't make any verifications as to it's freshness."

"I hate you."

"Isn't he lovely, folks? Speaking of lovely, we go to the most superficial part of the show, starting with Hottest Male Forumer. Only two frontrunners, this time. Here they are!"

"And our sexiest man excluding myself is Raistlin who got seven votes, narrowly beating Lucid with six. Magnum, Mason, Codebreaker, Stoker, Phizzy, skye, Mack, Alevice, Heal, Zeratul, and I all voted for ourselves and we got one."

"Raistlin, you recieve bragging rights to tell all the hot Swedish babes that you're the best looking guy at your internet forum. Also, a t-shirt. Congratulations! Now for the best category in the entire ceremony, Hottest Female Forumer! We got three lovely ladies in the lead."

"And the hottest babe is ... a tie! taekwondogirl and Thorn each recieved eight votes. Plain Girl got seven, Maggie got two, and Rose and Amorak got one each."

"You two get the best prize all night — sex with me! Now go sit in the car or I'll give you a beating. Now for a category that will surely be dumped in next year's awards Enchanted Keeper of the Most Useless Trivia and Worthless Knowledge. Four front runners this time..."

"Most undoubtedly for his factoids, Flyspeck takes this with nine votes. He's followed by Erasculio, Mack, and typhoon who each got six, five, and four votes, respectively. Razzy also recieved two votes, while shandromand got one."

"Fly, it's been decided you know the most crap no one cares about. You get Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80's! Enjoy!"

"This prize fucking sucks."

"On to our next cate—"

Flyspeck doesn't budge an inch, "I said this prize fucking sucks. I want another one."

"Take your prize and go sit down. Because if you want trouble, you'll get it."

"I just want a new prize."

"Hmmm, there's not too much left up here ... you can take Mason's wallet."

Fly walks up to Mason, who is still taking a beating from Avatar and swipes his wallet and begins to look through it, "Huh. Did you know Mason met Donnie Osmond? No wait, that's Marie."

"Rather than continuing on this wacky adventure of Latter-Day Saint gender confusion, let's move on, but obviously not too far with Most Likely to be a Forty Year-old Pedophile in His Mom's Basement. We have four such pedos for you."

"And our resident sexual predator is ... Mason Wheeler with eight votes! Eras came in second with four, Palin and GuessWho both came three times, Lonemage and Big Dave got twice off, and Endarire, Phigment, Codebreaker, Mack, Zeus, and Mage all squeezed one off."

"Okay, that's enough, Av," Luke walks up to Mason's broken body on the floor, "Mason? You hear me, buddy?"

He answers with an unintelligible grumble.

"I'll take that as a yes. For winning this award, you get to go somewhere very special! Jail! Where you'll spend the next fifteen years being anally raped by very large men who are under the impression that you rape little girls! Take him away!"

Mason is dragged away, but not before Avatar runs back up and gets another hit on him. Lucainan pipes up yet again, "But it's very important to remember that this is all in good fun. Now to our next category. Can I get Kate up here with me?"

Kate jumps up from her seat excitedly, giggling. "Wow! I'm super glad to be up here again—"

Luke raises his hand. "Now. You can stand up her, but you can't talk. K? Okay. Our next category is Most Likely to be Kate's Unfortunate Next Boyfriend We got two frontrunners this time."

"And the loser is ..." Lucainan pauses, "Kate, if you don't stop licking your lips like that, I swear to God, I'll give you a beating. The loser is ... not me not me not me ... thank God Himself Magnum with eighteen votes! I came in a far distant second with two and all these guys: Mason, Phoenix, Stoker, Nynaeve, Lucid, Auspex, and John Kerry — were voted once."

"Mag, your punishment is, you guessed it, sex with Kate. Nice knowing you, buddy."

"Please don't make me—" Magnum's pleading is cut short by a large club to the head from Kate.

"Kate want man now. Me Kate. Kate has spoken." Magnum is then slung over her shoulder and carried away.

Lucainan lowers his head, "I now ask you all for a moment of silence for our fallen brother."

Only the tears of the ones who knew Magnum best could be heard.

"Time for another category that's new this year and certainly timely — Most Likely to Become World of Warcraft's First Malnutrition Death! Just two frontrunners this time."

"And the biggest dork is ... Flyspeck with thirteen votes! Visser got a whopping but pathetic four, Ford, Dekar, Romulus, and Palin got two, and Bakjak, Phal, Lucid, and DTZ all got one."

"We have a very special and exclusive prize for you, Fly. We actually got you the complete Paladin epic set for your character!"

"Really?"

"No. I'm just going to call you a loser and tell you to sit down." Luke pauses, "Go sit down, ya loser."

"Now. Let's take a complete change of directions. From dorkiness to mightiness. From the feeble to the strong. Let's see who is the Most Likely to Win Forum Royal Rumble. Let's see who the strongest among you are!"

"Who would win between them? Why, Sectoid Hunter would, because he got eighteen votes! Jim got seven. Stoker got a puny two, and Eras, Odin, Maggie, mAc, Dave, Kate, and tae are all weaklings. They just got one vote.

"Sectoid. Since you have proven yourself more powerful than your competitors, you have achieved the rank of sensei."

Goonnnng.

"And here's a Charles Bronson DVD."

Goonnnng.

"Next up is Best Macro . This categories a little different, and it was annoying to count up the votes, so I'm not going to even bother. That one that said, 'Attempting to give a damn...' won. It got five votes. Its prize is that it can never be used again. On to our next real category which really is real. That being Forumer You'd Like to Hang Out With in Real Life. We got three for you this time.

"And the award goes to ... Phalanx with six votes! typh and Phoenix got three, Stoker and Codebreaker got two, while tae, Lambda, Zeratul, Eras, Mag, Maggie, Kate, Heal, Styles, Spooky, Seawolf, and Dekar all got one.

"For being the forumer that we would most like to spend time with, Phal, you are now required to actually meet all of us. Starting now. GO!"

Phal stands still on stage, visibly confused.

"GO, BABY, GO!"

A frown.

"Here's a $20 gift card to the Olive Garden. Take your seat," Luke lets out a long sigh, "It seems we are nearing the end of our ceremony. Here is the second to last category with two frontrunners, Best Poster.

"And the better poster is typhoon oh my God. He got twelve votes to my seven. Mack, Magnum, and Phoenix each got two, while Plain Girl (hah), Sectoid, Stoker, Jim, and tae all got one.

"For winning this one, typh, your genitals will be encased in bronze and preserved for all eternity. And no, they will no longer be connected to you. It's kind of like how Rasputin's penis is preserved in a jar. Don't ask me how I know that.

The lights dim.

"And now. The moment you've all been waiting for. The final category. Favorite Forum Veteran. Once again, there are two competitors.

"And your favorite forum veteran is ... a tie? Maggie Sedai and typhoon got four votes each. Palin, Codebreaker, Zeratul, and I all got two each, and Kate, Lambda, Magnum, Ford, Zeus, MG, Mack, GMO, Seawolf, Phoenix, Phal, and Styles all got one."

Maggie and typhoon both make their way up to the stage, "Sit your ass down, typh. You've won enough. Maggie gets the award. Which is ... sex with me! Now go get in the car or I'll give you a beating!"

Before Maggie could say anything with the absolute look of disgust on her face, Luke speaks up one last time, "Well, that's it for tonight, folks. Hope you all had a good time. See you all next year. Goodnight."