(Dressed in their forum finery, the Antiochers find themselves sitting in front of the stage and waiting for the curtain—a big velvety mass of burgundy fabric to open.)
(And they wait.)
(And get up to go to the bathroom.)
(And wait some more.)
(And then, finally...)
Deep, announcer-style voice from somewhere behind the curtain: "You've waited days, weeks, and months for this moment to arrive. You harassed the hosts, whined at the hosts, complained to the hosts, threatened to usurp the hosts, badgered the hosts, pestered the—"
Another deep announcer-style voice that sounds quite the same: "Kate, give me that."
"No, I had it first!"
"Then stick to the script! None of this 'you were mean, whine whine moan' nonsense."
"But they were—"
Deep announcer voice: (cough) "You've waited days, weeks, and months for this moment to arrive, and now, it has. Ladies and gentlemen of Antioch, welcome to... The 2004 Antioch Forum Awards!"
(The curtain pulls widely open with all the fantastic colored lights and other show-offy pyrotechnics to reveal a grinning, tuxedo-clad Seawolf... and Kate standing next to an awards-covered table, her arms crossed over her chest as she sulks, looking rather like a "pretty sulking Barbie" in her ridiculous pink taffeta dress.)
(The audiences smatters a bit of clapping because, let's face it, they've waited waaaay too long to be excited.)
Seawolf: "Sorry for the delay, my friends, but technical difficulties run amok during every season." (charming grin) "I'm your host, Seawolf, here to present this year's awards. And, of course, we mustn't forget my charming co-host, Kate."
(Kate continues to sulk, sneering at him.)
Seawolf: "Oookay. Anyway, you've waited long enough, so let's just hop right into the awards, shall we?" (digs into his pocket and grabs a card) "The award that comes first is for the person who goes last, and that is: Most Likely to be the Last To Leave. And the nominees are...
And the winner is... Avatar Prime, with a whopping 12 voters swearing up, down, and backwards that he'll be the last to depart. DTZ came in second with 3 votes, with CB and Mack Kilimaro tying for third with 2 apiece. Seawolf, Endarire, Zeus, Typhoon, Palin, Flyspeck, and Phoenix all had at least one other person figuring that they'd stick around for the tail end of things."
(Avatar comes up to accept his award, and is instead handed a "FINAL NOTICE" bill from the server company. He scowls and stalks off the stage, muttering about needing to find his checkbook.)
Seawolf: "And the next award is—"
Kate: (interrupting) "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Seawolf: "Oh, right." (walks offstage and comes back with a blast shield, which he sets in front of the podium.) "And the nominees for Forumer Most Likely To Spontaneously Combust are...
And the winner—finally—is... Typhoon, with a miraculous 12 votes! Qjuad was combustible enough to take home 7 votes, while Guess was kept away from fire or flame by 2 people. Phigment, Phal, Phoenix, Palin, and Clodpool were all flame-retardant enough for a single vote each."
(Typhoon comes up, accepts the award from Kate (who dives behind the blast shield), and then stands in the center of the stage, eyes closed. He seems to be concentrating very hard on something, sweat beading on his brow and his eyebrows twitching. Nothing happens.)
(Typhoon makes it less than halfway down the steps when he combusts into a smoking pile of ash that litters the floor and causes a great pillar of smoke to rise up.)
Seawolf: "I'll go get the dustpan..."
Kate: (grabbing the microphone away from him) "And now, it's time for the Kate show, where Kate takes over and does everything else herself!"
Seawolf: (frown) "Why don't you go get the dustpan and I'll—"
(Kate forcefully pushes Seawolf offstage. A crash is heard somewhere in the back, followed by some vaguely-audible cursing.)
Kate: (flexing her muscles) "If you thought that was buff, wait until you see our next award! And the nominees for Forumer Most Likely to Bench Press 200 Lbs. are:
And the winner is... Cannibal Jim, with 11 different spotters for his press! Sectoid Hunter took second with 4 towel-boys, and Blitz came in a close third with 3 votes. Odin's Eye brought home 2 votes for fourth, while Flyspeck(?), Flare, Zeus, and Raistlin each managed a single vote."
(Jim comes up to the stage to accept his award, flexing his muscles in preparation for picking it up when Kate, surprise of surprises, simply hands it to him.)
Jim: "What the—"
Kate: "Budget cuts. We couldn't afford a 200-pound trophy this year. You'll have to deal with the 2-pound version."
(He accepts the award—and yelps as he very nearly falls over under the weight of it. He then growls, hefts it over his head, and takes it back to his seat.)
Kate: (mwahaha) "Gets them every time." (shuffles cards) "Next up is the award that everyone but Seawolf wanted removed from the list:
Most Likely to Post Drunk or Stoned."
Seawolf: (emerging with the broom and dustpan) "In my defense, I would like to note that—"
Kate: (eyeroll) "And the nominees for Most Likely to Post Drunk or Stoned are:
And the winner is... GuessWho, with an unstoppable (and expected) 19 votes towards liver failure. Thorn, the alcoholic Amazon, came in second with 5 votes, and Visser, Zeus, Clodpool, and Phigment managed to each bring home one."
(Guess stumbles up to the stage to receive his award, nearly falling off the stairs. He accepts it, makes it down to the floor, and then passes out in a heap. Medics drag him off.)
Kate: "If that award stays on the list next year, I'm going on a drunken posting spree just so it stops being a landslide."
Seawolf: (having disposed of the ashes) "Oooh, Kate getting drunk? I'm thinking I like this—"
Seawolf: "Ow! That hurt!"
Kate: "But it makes a charming segue into our next award." (hands the cards over to Seawolf)
Seawolf: "I thought this was now the Kate show."
Kate: "Eh, the Kate show got boring. I'll go back to being the cute background fixture for a little while."
Seawolf: "Suit yourself. This next award is an oldie but goodie, just like many of the nominees: Forumer Most Likely To Start a Forum War. The generals in this army of contestant are:
And the winner, with 13 votes, is... Stoker, who has managed to retain his Captain of Catastrophe title for another year. Lucid and Mason, along with Kojiro and Erasculio, all tied for second with 2 battle lines apiece, while mAcChaos, Razzy (?), Seawolf (?), Endarire (?) and Maggie all earned a single vote."
(Stoker, all decked out in his fine new stylish threads, comes to the front and accepts his award. Then, he pulls out his gun, screaming, "We ride to battle, men!" and runs off the stage, cackling.)
Seawolf: (sigh) "Some people never change."
Kate: (solemn) "But onto a more serious topic, this next award is Forumer Most Likely to Kill Us All."
Seawolf: (eyebrow arch) "A pacifist saying that war isn't serious? Are you feeling alright?"
Kate: "Who exactly would be the first to flip out and go on a mad mass-murdering spree? Well, our nominees are:
And the winner is... Well, look at that, a tie! With 5 votes each, Erasculio and Zeus Legion will have to share the title of being dangerously close to homicide. A three-way tie for second placed Flyspeck, Kojiro, and Palin in the lineup, and eleven different folks—Dine, Sectoid Hunter, Visser, Typhoon, Jim, Magnum, Phigment, Tarun, MatDef, Beejasmorl, and Blitz—were brought in for questioning."
(Erasculio and Zeus both come up to the stage, glance at each other and the single award that Seawolf is offering them, and smile.)
Erasculio: "It's all yours, Zeus."
Zeus: "No, really, I insist."
(Then, without warning, they jump one another and roll offstage in a ball of kicking, punching, and curses.)
Kate: (^_^;;) "Eheheheh. Let's move on, then, to one of my personal favorite awards, shall we?"
Seawolf: (morose and grumbling) "When I find the people who voted for me in this next category, I'll..."
Kate: "That's right, folks! It's time for Best Performance in an 'I'm Leaving!' Thread. Your dramatic nominees are:
Seawolf: "I was serious, people! Geez."
Kate: "...yeah. Not touching that one with a thirty-foot pole."
Kate: "And the winner is... Lambda, whose need for groceries touched the hearts of 9 voting viewers. Seawolf's promise to leaveand never, never return brought him 6 votes, whereas Mason's pain only earned him 2. Flyspeck, Qjuad, Palin, Stoker, and Magnum's non-threads each brought them one vote, but my question becomes—when did they ever leave in the first place?"
(Lambda accepts his award to much applause and bows before he declares he needs to go pick up laundry detergent and dashes off.)
Seawolf: "When I find out who voted for me..." (cough, straightens tie) "Anyway, our next award follows a similar vein, and that is: Best Performance in an 'I'm Back' Thread. And the nominees are:
And the winner is... Mason, whose return performance was just powerful enough to earn him 14 votes! Lambda's arrival back aftergrocery shopping netted him 6 (presumably hungry) voters while Tarun, Palin, Odin, Aklan, and Alevice were each awarded one vote.
(Mason comes up to the stage, grabs his award from Kate and, in his best Sally Fields voice, announces:)
Mason: "You love me! You really love me! ...even after all this time!"
(He prances off.)
Kate: (sigh) "I just don't have the heart to explain..."
Seawolf: (pat pat) "No one does. On to the next award!"
Kate: "This one involves needles. I'm not getting near it. I'll go stand over...there." (points)
Seawolf: "And the next award is Forumer Most Likely to Get Ink Injected into His or Her Skin in Memory of Antioch, or Forumer Most Likely to get an Antioch Tattoo—for short, of course."
Kate: (twitch) "Lovely word choice there, dear."
Seawolf: "And the nominees for this category are:
And the winner is... Zeus, whose unhealthy obsession with all things Antioch earned him 8 votes. Dine came in close with 6 votes, and I (for whatever reason) managed to get 2."
Kate: (glowering) "If you ever get a tattoo, I will either find it sexy or kill you for it!"
Seawolf: "Otherwise, Flyspeck, Flare, Guess, Alevice, Tarun, Stoker, and Odin all each took home one vote in this category."
(Zeus comes up to the stage with a surprise of his own—an ink-filled do-it-yourself tattoo kit for Seawolf, all hot and ready to go. Seawolf shrieks like a little girl and flees the stage, cowering behind the backdrop until Zeus accepts his award and steps down.)
Kate: (siiiigh) "Oookay, next up is the ever-popular new award: Forumer Most Likely to become a Head-of-State." (pauses and glances at the list) "If any of these folks win, I am so moving to Mars. Anyway, your nominees are:
And the winner is... Mack Kilimaro, with a majority thanks to his 8 votes. Palin managed to find 3 supporters while both Jim and Phigment brought home 2 votes. And a huge number of random people—Qjuad, Romulus, Seawolf, Stoker, Flyspeck, DTZ, Zeus, Phoenix, Styles, and Magnum—each brought home a single nod."
(Mack comes up to accept his award, beginning a long speech on exactly why the Iraq war is a very bad thing and how voting John Kerry in the fall is, in fact, the best thing that an American citizen can do. A good twenty minutes later, he steps down.)
Kate: (from her spot curled up on the empty half of the awards table) "Snoooore...."
Seawolf: "Well, since Kate's...otherwise indisposed...I'll get it on with our next award." (blink) "Uhm, that is to say, I'll make a move on the next award." (blink blink) "I mean, I'll do the next award all night long."
(He pauses, staring at the cards)
Seawolf: "Okay, who was messing with my notes?" (sigh) "And the nominees for Forumer Most Likely to Actually Hook Up With Plain Girl are:
And the winner, with a massive 13 votes, is... Dekar! Guess, per normal, was shot down with his pathetic 3 votes, and Spooky, Dine, Beejasmorl, and Lucainan each had one person support their endeavors to get in PG's pants."
(Seawolf slides the award out of Kate's arms, since she had curled up with it as though it were a teddy bear, and hands it to Dekar. He shares a conspiratorial wink with the audience and is then promptly chased away by a jealous Guess.)
Kate: (rolling over) "Mmm..... Harry Potter, come bring your wand over—"
Seawolf: (quickly) "And our next category is: Forumer Most Likely to Actually Be Stalked by Erasculio. And the unsurprising nominees are:
And the winner is..." (frown) "Kate, with 6 voters believing that those dark eyes peering into her bedroom window at night is Erasculio, rather than me." (cough cough) "Alevice, Plain Girl, and Phigment all tied for second with 3 votes and Magnum came in third with 2. Mack, Zeus, DTZ, Shade, Kojiro, Razzy, and Erasculio himself (how does that work?) each might be stalked—they earned 1 vote apiece."
(Kate squirms on the table and knocks a large number of awards onto the floor with a loud enough clang that she wakes up, wide-eyed. Seawolf hands her the award and she squeals, even though she has absolutely no idea what the award is for.)
Kate: "Squee squee squee squee—wait." (blink) "Isn't it my turn to present an award?"
Seawolf: "Why yes, yes it is."
Kate: "Okay! And the nominees for... Which award are we on?"
Seawolf: (sigh) "Coolest name. Were you even present at rehearsal?"
Kate: "Only in body. My mind was watching Sailor Moon!" (giggle) "Anyway, the nominees for Forumer with the Coolest Name are:
Whatever the case, the person with the coolest name, obviously, is... Lucid Iguana, winning by the skin of his iguana-teeth with 5 votes. Phigment's awesome name managed second with 4 votes, Typhooooooon earned 3, and several people—Avatar Prime, Shelf of Justice, Cannibal Jim, and Qjuad—managed to tie for fourth with 2 votes apiece. Dine, Clodpool, Remiel, The Hanging Judge, Evilphal, Codebreaker, and Erasculio's name are all cool in the eyes of one other person.
(Lucid comes to the stage though he, disappointingly enough, looks nothing like an Iguana.)
Kate: "I want a lucid iguana as a pet. That'd be so cool."
Seawolf: (eyeroll) "Moving right along, the next cool award is so cold, it makes ice look hot! The nominees for Forumer With The Coolest Portrait are:
Kate: (sigh) "Amelia, Haruko, and Osaka really aren't random anime chicks."
Seawolf: "Riiight. Anyway, the winner for Coolest Portrait is...our second tie of the evening! Both Palin and Phigment took home 6 votes of portrait-coolness. Jim's cool portraits only attracted 4 votes, and Visser and Avatar each brought home 2 votes for a fourth place tie. Flyspeck, Mason, Phoenix, Odin, The Hanging Judge, and Typhoon only managed one vote apiece."
(The two come up to collect their awards and get into a big debate over whose portrait really is better. It's ended only when Kate and Seawolf push each of them backstage to allow them to bicker away from everyone else.)
Kate: "And now, for the award that's so horribly out of date at this point that it barely matters!"
Seawolf: "We really shouldn't have awards that are based on things that people can change on whim, like portraits and such."
Kate: (dubious look) "You're the one who approved all the award categories, hon."
Kate: (hee!) "And the nominees for Forumer With The Coolest Custom Title are:
And the winner is... Flyspeck, whose custom title is or used to be cool enough to earn him 5 votes! l337, Razzy, Plain Girl, Temp, and Lucid all tied for second with 2 votes each, and Stoker, Romulus, Visser, Evilphal, Palin, Blitz, and Zeus all had titles just a bit under lukewarm with one vote each."
(Flyspeck comes to the stage to accept his award.)
Kate: "Say, what was your custom title that won, anyway?"
Flyspeck: "You took so fucking long on getting this stupid thing out that I don't even remember anymore."
Kate: (^^;;;) "I suppose I deserved that..."
Seawolf: (sigh) "Whatever the case, it's time for our next award: Most Creative Forumer. The nominees are...
And the winner is.... Typhoon, with his coding skills bringing him 9 votes. DTZ came in second with a close 7, and Phigment, Seawolf, and Mack all tied for third with 3 votes apiece. Phal and Flare tried for the category but, sadly, only each earned 1 vote."
(Typhoon comes up to the stage and, before accepting his award, tries to show off some new code he's written for the website. The resulting SQL error shuts down the whole of the forum for a good fifteen minutes, delaying the awards and causing much annoyance. Finally, everything gets fixed up and Typhoon saunters off, the remains of his coding scattered across the stage.)
Seawolf: "Kate, go get the broom so we can take care of this, will you?"
Kate: (sulking) "No way! I so called dibs on this next one! You go get the broom!"
Seawolf: "Fine, fine, go ahead." (goes to clean up the jumbled code from Typhoon's creative endeavor)
Kate: "Whoo! Okay, Antiochers, your nominees for Biggest Hipster Artfag (or Most Culturally Savvy Forumer, but who wants to use the PC title?) are:
And the winner, with a most impressive 15 votes, is... Razzy! Lucid and Phoenix actually tied for second with 2 votes each, leaving Stoker, Typh, Endarire, and Thorn bringing up the rear with 1 vote of confidence in their culture each."
(Razzy, true to his form, comes up to the stage with a list of musical groups for Kate to look through and a whole new wardrobe for Seawolf. Each accepts their gifts bashfully.)
Seawolf: (still armed with the broom) "That said, it's time for the next award."
Kate: "Can I pleeeease do this next one?"
Seawolf: (doubtful) "No offence, but I think letting you take this next award is a definite security risk."
Kate: (cute pleading look) "Whyyyy?"
Seawolf: "Oh, you'll see." (sigh) "And the nominees for Most Annoying Forumer are:
Kate: "Diiiie!" (whips out swords and knives and other pointy things)
Seawolf: (Sigh) "As I was saying... Kojiro—he claims to have a new bad-boy attitude, but he's still the same old whiner underneath. Did the new attitude change the perception folks had about him?
And the winner, unsurprisingly, is Kojiro, with a shocking 18 votes. Zerganus came in second with 4 and Endarire with a close 3 to grab third, leaving Mr. Ed, Flyspeck, and Palin with a single vote each."
(Kojiro comes up to the stage to claim his award, a bit intimidated by the sword-toting Kate. He thinks better of the situation and instead wanders off the stage. Kate throws the award at him and it hits him in the head, knocking him down the stairs.)
Seawolf: "That wasn't very nice."
Kate: (sheathing her sword) "Hey, I'm not the one who got voted Most Annoying. Don't look at me."
Seawolf: (Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh) "Well, now that that's over with, it's time for the six superlatives!"
Kate: (cute smile) "There's actually eight of them, if you count."
Seawolf: "Shush. The first of the Six Superlatives goes to the forumer who is the epitome of reason and serenity in this sea of insanity we call Antioch. The nominees for Most Reasonable Forumer are:
And the winner of this award is...another tie! Both Phigment and Razzy are absolutely reasonable enough for 5 votes, with Phoenix just behind them at 4 votes. Typhoon and Avatar are worthy of 2 votes of reason, and Thorn, Styles, Plain Girl, Mack Kilimaro, Lucid, Phal, and Magnum all each received one vote in this category."
(Razzy and Phigment walk up arm-in-arm to accept their votes, when...)
Kate: (singing in a nasally voice, her headphones dangling around her neck) "'Searching for new world... Hitto wa minna... Afruit a yume wo salami kay meee..."
(Obviously, hearing Kate sing J-Pop is not a situation that requires reason, and both chase the singing-Kate off the stage.)
Seawolf: "Thank goodness she finally stopped!" (contented sigh) "Next, we have the first of the Six Superlatives that isn't really a superlative because it's a bad thing."
Kate: (dashing by with the boys on her tail) "Is tooooo!"
Seawolf: "The nominees for Least Reasonable Former—" (pauses and puts the blast shield back up) "—are:
And the winner is... Erasculio, with a 5 votes to his irrationality! Palin pulled in 4 votes for second and Maggie and Zeus tied in third with 3 votes apiece. Lucid earned 2 in this category while Phoenix(?), Temp, Qjuad, and Endarire each earned one."
(Erasculio comes up to accept his award just as Kate goes barreling across the stage again. He dodges Kate but gets in the way of Razzy and Phigment. The three land in a pile of hands, feet, and legs, and all three begin to yell about whose fault it is.)
Kate: (>.>) "I'm going to go stand...behind you...for a while."
Seawolf: "And you'll present the next superlative?"
Kate: "Sure. Just, uhm, protect me if they decide that it's my fault."
Kate: "Anyway, the third superlative—"
Kate: "—is Weirdest Forumer. And the nominees for this coveted position of peculiarity are:
And the weirdest Antiocher is... Clodpool, with a massive 6 votes! Qjuad and Lambda, the other front-runners, only each earned 3 votes, and only two people thought that Phal was weird enough for this category. Plain Girl, Phizzy, Endarire, Flyspeck, Zeus, Lucainan, Dine, Typhoon, and Draxter are barely weird at all, each earning one vote."
(Clodpool comes up to the stage and—in another weird moment—eats all three of the bickering award winners from the previous presentations, awards and all. He belches as he accepts his award and waddles back down the stairs, patting his belly.)
Kate: "Yes! Free at last! No one chasing me! Which means I can move on!" (pops out from behind Seawolf) "Our next superlative award, wit-out adieu, is Wittiest Forumer."
(Groans from the audience.)
Kate: (all innocence) "What? And our nutty nominees are:
Kate: (makes a face at him) "Anyway, is Kate funny enough to get 'witty' added to the list of awesome adjectives that describe her so well?
And the winner is... Typhoon, with 13 votes! Magnum, as funny as he is, only managed to scrape up 4 votes, and Kate is only awesome enough to earn 2. Flyspeck, Lambda, Palin, ADO, and Sectoid are all less witty than Kate, with one vote each."
(There is a stunned silence as the audience waits for Typhoon to say something witty after accepting his award. Typhoon stands in front of the microphone, stares out at the crowd, and... Shrugs. Then, he walks off the stage.)
Kate: "That was anti-climactic to say the least."
Seawolf: "Are we going to question the continuity of having someone who spontaneously combusted at the beginning of the show come back for not just one but two award acceptances?"
Kate: (pats him on the head) "No."
Seawolf: "Just checking. Now, if someone had wanted to question the continuity, they would probably have had to argue it. And, if you're looking for someone to argue with, you don't need to look any further than the third superlative! The nominees for Best Debater are:
And the winner, with a record 13 votes, is... Phigment! Razzy is the world's greatest in 3 people's eyes, and Magnum tied with four others—Phoenix, Mason, Sectoid Hunter, and Mack Kilimaro—with his one vote."
(Since Phigment is in Clodpool's belly and rather incapable of accepting the award, everyone just smiles charmingly and moves on.)
Seawolf: "Your turn, Kate."
Kate: "No way. I deserve this award and I am not going to present it! No!"
Seawolf: "Kate, for the last time, having over 100 Sailor Moon fanfictions floating around the internet does not necessarily mean you're the best writer. Just the one with the most time on her hands."
Kate: (sulks) "Nope."
Seawolf: (siiigh) "Fine, fine, fine. The nominees for Best Writer are:
Kate: "Quantity and quality are not mutually exclusive, dammit!"
Seawolf: "And the winner is... Mack Kilimaro, whose self-titled novel 'Kilimaro' was good enough to earn him 11 votes. Styles took second with 3 votes and Qjuad followed on his tail with 2. Razzy, DTZ, Kate, Phoenix, Flyspeck, Zeus, and Typhoon all wrote well enough for one vote each."
(Mack comes to the stage, accepts his award, and passes out the teasers for next year's novel, "Mack," the sequel to the hit "Kilimaro.")
Kate: (still scowling) "Now that that's out of the way, let's introduce another of my favorite categories: Pair of Forumers that Interact the Best. And the dynamic duos to make nomination are...
(The co-hosts loop arms and flash a charming smile.)
Kate: "Those of you who didn't vote Kate and Seawolf, well, we'll see you after the show.
Anyway, the winners are... Qjuad and Styles, with 10 people agreeing on the caliber of their interaction! Your cute co-hosts came in second with 4 votes, and the other loving couple on the forum managed to grab 2 votes. Those pairs doing the one-vote shuffle included Guess and PG, Mack and Mason, Rommie, Raist, and Phee (though they're not a pair), Seawolf and Stoker, Seawolf and DTZ, Flyspeck and anyone else, Seawolf and Palin, Palin and Zeus, and Phal and Typh's mom." (pause, glance at Seawolf) "Dear, you seem to interact well with a number of people, according to the forumers."
Seawolf: (^_^;) "Is that a problem?"
Kate: "Not really a problem, per say, but if you interacted with me better, we could have earned those awards for ourselves and maybe have won."
Seawolf: "Kate, uhm, this really isn't the time to start a discussion like this. We're sort of in the middle of an awards ceremony..."
(The two begin to bicker, so wrapped up in their little argument that they don't notice Qjuad and Styles coming up to get their award. The argument ends with Seawolf promising to be a better boyfriend to his one-and-only, and said one-and-only sniffling into her hankie.)
Seawolf: (sigh) "I guess I'll take the next award. The nominees for Biggest Forumer Lamer of All Time—which is not technically a superlative—are:"
Kate: (:P) "Is too!"
Well, he must have been, because this category was a three-way tie between Kojiro, Bob, and TGF, each with 4 votes of lameness! Zerganus, Endarire, MariaXXX, Phrog9, Halo14, Hendrix, Magnus, Nightstallion, Seawolf(?), Codebreaker(?), and Adan each managed to be lame once."
(Since Bob and TGF are nowhere to be seen, Koji accepts all three awards much in the way that he accepted his previous award—by getting them thrown at him. He falls down the stairs a second time as Kate brushes off her hands on her dress and smiles.)
Seawolf: "You have got to stop doing that."
Kate: "It's therapeutic! I now feel like I can take on the world!"
Seawolf: "Why don't you start with the next award? In the meantime, I'll call an ambulance for Koji."
Kate: "Okay!" (mad grin) "The nominees for the first of the Four Favorites—Favorite Lost Forumer—are:
And the winner of Favorite Lost Forumer, once again, is Spooky, with a whopping 10 votes! GMO came in second with 5 folks missing him, and Odin managed to find 3 fans in this forum. Maelstrom and Styles each got 2 votes, taking fourth, while Typh, Rainblades, Kultcher, MatDef, and E-Mouse all each earned 1 vote."
(Kate places Spooky's award in a glass case, labeled "For Spooky, whene'er she comes to claim it.")
Kate: (tags Seawolf with a high-five) "You're next!"
Seawolf: (jogging in place as though he's the star of Rocky XII) "Next up, we have the favorite that goes to not one person but a full group! That's right, it's time for Favorite Forum Group! And your possible favorites are:
Kate: "Hey! That was not part of the deal!"
Seawolf: (smirk) "And the winners are... The East-West Coalition, with 8 votes approving of their grouping! The Protectorate clung to a hope of winning with 4 votes, and the Amazons tied for third with the VSP, WASTE, and Neo-BORP with their three votes. The Cannibal Cabal scraped up one vote, but hey, they're new."
(The East/West boys come up to the stage, light up some joints, and drink a couple beers before wandering back to their seats. Kate waves the smoke out of her vision and coughs a few times. Once her vision has cleared, Seawolf attempts to tag her with a high-five for the next award...and misses thanks to her unresponsive action of staring blankly at the script card.)
Seawolf: (frown) "And now, Kate will present the award for Favorite Forum Newbie... Right, Kate?"
Kate: (adamantly standing behind him, arms crossed) "No."
Seawolf: (sigh!) "We talked about this, Kate. You wanted to present this award, and—"
Seawolf: "Kate, I—"
Seawolf: (rolling his eyes) "And the nominees for Favorite Forum Newbie are:
Seawolf: "—she crawled into our hearts and fantasies. Did she do enough to win?
And the winner is..."
Seawolf: (siiiigh) "Plain Girl, with a stunning 12 votes. Kate fought to the finish with 7 votes, followed by Merry Weather, AdipisciVelit, Beejasmorl, Odium, No. 170, and... Endarire(?), each of whom mustered up a single account of newbie-ness."
(Plain Girl comes up to the stage to receive her award, which Kate has now clutched to her chest. Plain Girl attempts to rest it away from Kate, only to be pushed off as Kate dashes behind the nigh-empty awards table.)
Kate: (desperately) "It's mine! Mine I tell you! You can't have it! No! Never! I'll put it down my pants if you come any closer!!!"
Seawolf: (blink blink) "Uhm, boo... You aren't wearing pants."
(Kate drops the award and bursts into tears and cries of "They don't love me anymore!" Seawolf sighs, picks up the award, and hands it to a very frightened-looking Plain Girl.)
Seawolf: "Kate, would you like to give out the final award?"
Kate: (head shake) "You should do it. This whole thing is your baby. Besides..." (sniffle) "They don't love me anymore."
Seawolf: "Heh. Well, now, for the final of the four favorites and the final award... The Favorite Forum Veteran. And the nominees for your favorite veteran are:
And the winner, with five votes...is Magnum, the never-won-anything underdog of the AFA! Coming in second were Seawolf, Stoker, and Typhoon, each bringing in 3 admirers. Mack, Phigment, Zeus, Zeratul, and Lambda each managed 2 votes, and Flyspeck, Palin, Phoenix, Qjuad, Styles, and Phal each scraped up a single vote for being the favorite."
(Seawolf shakes Magnum's hand as he comes to the front and accepts the final award, and Kate pounce-hugs the poor veteran. Magnum descends the stairs and Seawolf smiles widely and spreads his hands to the audience.)
Seawolf: "And, with that said and done, I would like to thank you all for coming to this year's Antioch Forum Awards! I hope it was worth the wait, and more than that, I hope everyone had as good a time as we did! Until next time, I'm Seawolf, and I thank you for coming!"
(Seawolf throws back his head and waits for the music to start playing.)
Kate: (tapping Seawolf on the shoulder from behind with a timid little smile) "Uhm, hon?"
Seawolf: (glancing back at her) "What? Can't you see I'm waiting for my dramatic exit?"
Kate: "Yes, I can. My question is: can't you see that we have one more award?"
Seawolf: (patting down his pockets as he turns towards her) "What? No, we don't! We've gone through all of them! There are no more cards, there are no more funny presentations, and there certainly aren't any more...awards to..." (pause) "Kate?"
Kate: "Yes, dear?"
Seawolf: "What's that?"
(Seawolf points to the awards table, where there is, indeed, one last award left sitting there. It appears to be a trophy that looks something like a gold-plated Master Yoda, light saber and all.)
Kate: "The last award. See, I told you!"
Seawolf: (stomping over to the award and picking it up to glance at the bottom) "'Malign Despot Enterprises, Incorporated?' Where did this come from?" (glances across the audience) "Who exactly put this here, huh? Out with it, out with it!"
Kate: (snatching the award out of his hand) "And the write-in nominee for Malign Despot is:
Flyspeck, you earned 8 write-ins and managed to plant your trophy. Just come up and get it before Seawolf has an aneurysm, please."
(Flyspeck does just that to copious amounts of applause, taking a long bow and earning many hoots and hollers from his adoring fans. Seawolf just watches wide-eyed as this happens, unsure what exactly to say even after Flyspeck has sat down.)
Seawolf: (stammering) "B-but I... I removed that award from the list... How did he...? How did they...? What...? I-I-I..."
Kate: (sigh) "On behalf of Seawolf, I'm Kate! Thanks again for coming to this year's Antioch Forum Awards! Drive safely, and good night!"
(The music finally starts to play as Kate guides the still-speechless, twitching mass that was her boyfriend off the stage and down to the tables to mingle with the rest of the forumers for the rest of the night.)